last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
no you cant smoke seaweed
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
