Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
