if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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