I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
