So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
