I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The uberlube is also flammable
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
