Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
