Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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