I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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