You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
