You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
