She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
