I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize