i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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