just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
