Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
