I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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