that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
