Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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