Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
