I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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