if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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