Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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