My sheets look like a crime scene.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
