i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize