yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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