i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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