my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
