Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
