My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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