a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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