You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
