So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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