my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
