Screwed.edu
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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