She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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