I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am spending my child support on dildos
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
