I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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