I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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