my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
