Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dear god my vagina.
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