apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
