Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
