Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
