god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Your penis caused this!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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