Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
