I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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