I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
