I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
