I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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