Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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