but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
