Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
