I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
